People think to themselves all of the time:

"Would people miss me if I was gone?"

Sure, everyone thinks it once in their life... but how far into depth do people go? Do people dig deep into the details?

Would half of my "friends" even know? I mean, they don't even know I have moved. They haven't attempted contact in months. Would the ones that no longer speak to me feel the horrific, stomach-wrenching feeling that the pain and suffering they put me through all of my life were the stepping stones to my impending doom? Would they find out eventually? Would they not believe it at first, or would they not at all be surprised? Would they cry immediately, or would it be a moment where everything in their body begins to hurt, ears start ringing, heart starts pounding, lungs begin to feel as if they are to explode from your body in screams of absolute peril? Would they laugh and say that I had it coming to me?

Would my family be devastated? After all, only half of my family cares about my existence anymore. Would my mother be absolutely devastated for the rest of her life? Would she be able to bring herself off of her chair to go on with living? Would she know that a significant part of why it happened was triggered by her? Would my sister be able to function after it happened? Would she blame herself even if she was the only person who knew just how depressed I really was? Would she wish she had done something? Taken me somewhere? Gotten me help? Would my future brother-in-law hurt as if I were his little sister like he often says?

Would my father hear about it? Would he care? Would he drink his pain away, or would he drink to toast away my memory since he already toasted my existence? Would his sick, twisted mind realize that all of the self-consciousness, all of the self-hate, and all of the depressive, painful, self-loathing for myself came from his mouth? His actions? Would he know that every time he called me fat, every time he said I was worthless, and every time he chose alcohol over my need for a paternal figure, he drove me to this fate? Would my step-mom regret her decision to stay with him after promising me she was on my side? Would her betrayal to me crush her heart, just has it crushed mine? Would she realize that I loved her as family just as much as everyone else, and she turned my back to us for a man who did nothing but hurt her and finance her life?

What about my 3 friends I have left? Would one of them be able to put me in front of their significant other for the first time after numerous times of calling out to her and begging her for help? Would she realize that all of the, "I know how you feel."s and "I understand completely."s were worthless because she could have been the one to just listen to me? Would she put herself aside for someone else for the short moment she finds out that I was no longer here? Would another one of them have no emotion as they so often do? Would it even hurt them? Would they make a revolting joke about it as a sick sense of comfort? Would it even affect anything in their life? Would the last one be too lazy to come to the funeral? Would they make excuses as to why they were not there? Would they even hurt because I am not the one person they are obsessed with?

What about him? How bad would I hurt him? Would his world be turned upside-down? Would this be a devastation, or would it be a sigh of relief? Would he know that I always would love him, even in death? Would he know that I had given up everything I had for his happiness and it seemed to be in vain? Would he want to follow suit? Would he hate me? Would he go back to old habits? Would I be replaced?

Everyone wonders what would happen. The question is...

Who really, REALLY wonders?

home is where the heart is.

I never thought this day was going to come.

Ahhh, life. You have put me in MANY... trying... situations. You have tested me mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially in ways I never even fathomed in the innocence of my youth. You have made me feel unwanted and unnecessary. You have had me holding onto the edge for many years of my life, but...

FINALLY, I AM HOME.

Well, I will be soon. This is the good karma I have deserved. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I finally feel like I have a home.

pretty cut and dry.

"If you really knew me, you would know..."

I remember when that show was on. EVERYONE was quoting that line and spilling their hearts out.

I figured I would give it a shot.

I you really knew me, you would know that I am missing you more and more each day. The dull ache is becoming a sharper pain, and it is getting harder the bear. That being said, I wouldn't trade it for the world. You are worth the waiting to me, and it won't be long until everything will fall into place. If you really knew me, you would know that you could never fathom my feelings for you because love is over-used and overrated.

I wonder if you will read this... Hmm...

I Just. Don't. Know.

All I do anymore is cry. My whole face is dry, chapped, raw. My lips are flaky and deep red and no chap stick is working. My eyes cannot be touched because they are so sore.

I want to stop crying. I don't know what is wrong. I can't seem to pull it together.

I Just. Don't. Know.

I'm beginning to just have a moment again... and I am scared.

When I see your smile...

Tears run down my face

I can't replace

Now that I'm stronger, I've figured out

How this world turns cold, and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find

Deep inside me, I can be the one...

Hmm... It's been a long time since I've updated this, as my Jay so lovely pointed out. :P I also just mentioned to him that I usually don't blog unless I feel something to an extreme, whether it be happiness, sadness, anger, what have you.

Today, I DO feel something to an extreme. Today is the six month anniversary with Jay, and I feel too much love to describe, let alone even comprehend on my own. I feel like I have been with him FOREVER, yet it's been only half of a year. It's amazing how close you can become to someone in such a short period of time. He knows more about me than ANYONE, myself included. If I ever have a question within my life or within myself, he can answer with how I'm feeling and what I should/would do.

You all have known the old Stef. You know, the one who was always so down on herself. You'd never see me complimenting myself OR accepting others' compliments. I'd sit alone, I'd stay quiet, and I was that kid that everyone "liked", but really I got talked about behind my back. Now, I have all of the confidence and self-worth I need, and I have Jay to thank for that 100%. He was THAT guy to explain, prove, and go above and beyond to continue proving that not all guys are the same. He brought me back to life when everything inside me died after the fallout with my dad. He was there for me when EVERY OTHER PERSON turned their back or covered their eyes.

So, yes. Today, I feel love in the most powerful sense of the word. I could never picture myself with anyone else for the rest of my life, and I am elated. I cannot wait for many, MANY more months to come with him.

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you! :)

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

<3

... you know?

Some things just don't need words.

:)

"Something about the Midwest sun and oh, it makes me miss you more than a lot..."

"Could be the trees that stand alone in the fields

They remind me every couple of miles
I'd love to stop our lives, stop everything
Just so we could move far away
We'll live alone together with the sweat of the summer
With the chill of the cold winter air, oh yeah..."

So, essentially... "Janet" by The Format is my life. LOOK IT UP. It is WORTH IT.

Fall weather is finally here, and I am embracing it with open arms. I always tell people that my moods will change with the seasons, but it's never been so evident than the transition from summer to autumn this year. Everything has been going beautifully. Sure, there are some stumbles along the way, but that's life. You learn to shake them off and be better than it all. Do I miss what is lost and what once was? Sure. Do I ever want to go back? Not in a million years.

My birthday is in 26 days, and in 25 my life will feel a bit more complete again. I couldn't be any more content than those nights cuddling again. I miss that SO much.

My sleep pattern has faltered yet again. I don't know if it's the weather change or the amount on my mind as of late, but it's becoming very aggravating to me. I liked waking up at 7am every morning and going to bed at 11pm every night like a normal person.

My sister gave me the greatest compliment the other day:

"You are like a phoenix, my love. You get shut down and you just keep rising."

I have never been able to do that in my life, and this year I have learned to rise from the ashes and fly once more, stronger and more beautiful after each fall.

I've become SUCH a better person. :)