no floods.

"In a world unknown

You've gotta hold your own
You can't stop me
You're never ever gonna stop me now"

So basically, No Floods by Lady Gaga is my JAM.

I'm having another case of the "Midnight Emo". It never fails. Maybe one day I'll be content with existing. haha...

Oh, and I must gush about how much I love this photo. It is one of my first legit photos I took with my new camera, and I am LOVING the results.

I don't know...

I'll blog about something of importance or optimism once either occurs.

hometown glory.

This song is so soothing... and such a tear-jerker. I don't know why?

Heyyy. :] It has been FAR too long. I couldn't ever sum up everything I've been through these past few months... but I can say that there have

been perfect times and there have been times where I wasn't sure I'd make it.

All in all, I just wanted to show my existence to this site again. I miss letting everything out all the time...

Maybe that is just what I need.

/facepalm.

Yeah, I really DID just post this. :)

Dear past, oh, idk... month or so:

KISS OFF, DROP THIS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO DESERVES THIS BULLSHIT.

That's really all I have to say.

Oh, and I have done 3 photo shoots. They all turned out really good, in my opinion.

At least SOMETHING is good to say.

Warren.

Juli.

Clay.

They ARE clear, I promise. The small pictures just make them look weird. :)

life is beautiful.

At least, it is right now! :)

I'm feeling pretty awesome. I don't really have much else to say other than that, but I wanted a nice happy blog that documented my good mood

and good day.

I think the picture says it all, no? ;]

whatever tomorrow brings...

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah.

Well, this picture's got some stories to it, eh? The important people in my life know, and that's all that matters.

I wish I wasn't so paranoid... because then maybe I'd stop freaking the hell out.

*deep breath*

I'll be alright. I'm SURE I am.

i miss this.

so. fucking. much.

Things will never be the same after this summer, with all of us getting ready for college and moving on with our lives.

I want to live this past summer forever.

I could sit here and say everything I did and everything I learned, everything I saw and everyone I met, but that is pointless.

The only purpose of this blog is to say that this past summer was when I was happiest. Every time I think of it, I smile.

I couldn't think of better memories than that.

"Those were the best days of my life. Ohhh, yeah."

Truth...

on my pimpship flyin' high.

Minus that smile (and that color in my face... :/), that's all I've been doing for the past THR33 days. Damn you, H1N1.)

Well, Swine Flu is kicking my ass. It's kicking the ass of almost all of my friends, too. This sucks.

You know, I've been using this time to myself to contemplate everything going on right now. It's been an experience, let me tell you. I really am worried about school and college and becoming a "big person", and as much as I completely DESPISE Minooka Community High School, it has been my home for 4 years. It's all I know, and I am scared to leave it. I'm scared of all my friends leaving off to college this next fall and of me staying here working. Solitude is my greatest fear, and I will be facing it in less than a year.

I am going to be 18 in less than a month. Legal. LEGAL. How liberating! How awesome!

...

How absolutely horrifying.

...

Dear Paranoia,

GTFO. No tits, do not pass GO, and do not collect $200.

Love, Stefanie

I guess I'll just worry about the fact that I can't swallow properly and I'll work from there.

Baby steps.

there hasn't been much.

This photo basically explains everything to anyone that knows me. :)

Well, I haven't blogged for two reasons. One, because I am tired of emo blogs and it seems as though none of them were invoking positive vibes, so I just haven't posted. Two, because I forgot. ;)

Talent show and Homecoming were fantastic. They were more than fantastic. Talent show, mainly... I can't believe I did it. Never in my life I would have DREAMED of doing something like that... and I'm really proud of myself for accomplishing something I LOVE doing, but I just never had the balls to do it in front of people. It made me feel awesome.

Unfortunately, the bubbly high I was on has dwindled thanks to the everloving mother, but that's nothing new in my life.

I'm going to be an absolute ass and post this, like I have everywhere. Don't judge me. :)

Feedback? Comments? Concerns?

Have at it. :)

OH! and by the way...

My one drink, two straws is no more. It's strictly two drinks, two straws now...

Damn you, CBofL. =D

SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED! :D:D:D

it takes a LOT for me to feel this way...

and boy, you have whatever it is.

Hmm... This past weekend. Where should I begin?

...

SHOULD I begin?

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

Overall, I can say it will be one to remember. I love my friends more than anything, and they always find ways to make me feel loved. Whether it be just inviting me to an awesome party or singing a song about how awesome my tits are, I'm feeling pretty good.

Shit... who am I kidding?!

I am feeling fucking fantastic.

Besides... I have to be positive and optimistic... if only for JJ's sake...

:D

I love my life.

dear heart,

Please do not fail me now.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

You know how in Dirty Dancing, when Johnny is showing Baby how rhythm is like the beating of your heart?

I feel like I need to replay him going, "ga gong. ga gong." over and over just to remember my heart's still working.

You, your hairy ass, your lies, your cheating, your using, and your fucking adorable smile can KISS MY MEXICAN LOVING (most of the time) ASS.

There. That feels slightly better, I guess.

the calm before the storm.

There's bright in even the darkest times if you can find it...

Well, here's a short update. I've been sick for a while, and it isn't going away...

I still miss you, and every time I hear your name or see your face I gag. Literally.

School is making me crazy...

I love EMW for many reasons. She knows. :)

I cannot WAIT for senior pics.

That's all. <3

it's been a while.

since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you...

I need to get better with blogging again. It was something I was pretty scheduled on in the summer, but now it just seems like everything I would and could write about would be negative, and that's just annoying for anyone to read, let alone myself. Sure, I made this as personal documentation for myself later, but I do have at least 2 avid readers (love you guys!) that don't want to listen to me. They have enough of their own stuff going on.

So, on that note, I will just summarize things that have happened recently.

• I finally got rid of him... well, most of him anyway.
  
• I mean everything to someone, but it could never be mutual the way they want it.
• School sucks. Horribly.
• Wedding > Homecoming, but I still get random bouts of regret on that decision.
• 9 pictures left on my film camera! I plan on taking the rest at Erinn's tonight so I can get it developed. :)
• I have to walk home most days... I need a freaking car. >_<
• It's been almost a month... WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO? You will NOT blame this time on me, damnit. This is NOT on me.

Alright, since this is going south, I'm gonna stop it right here. XDD

<3

looking for someone that's not an asshole.

Anyone seen one?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Bueller?

Yeah. People can fuck off and die.

Plus side: This picture shown above is one of many I took in my first real photo shoot the other day. They turned out really cute I think! :)

Senioritis is hitting even HARDER. I'm in need of just... being done.

good friends.

good music.
good food.

one HELLUVA good time. <3

it is a very somber day.

To the greatest pilot there was ever going to be... Happy Birthday.

I keep having this re-occurring dream. It's the last day of school, and I'm walking down the hall and talking to all of my friends, and I have the sense that I am looking for someone. After a while, I come to find Mike and a group of his friends hanging out by the vending machines, you know? When I see him, that feeling that I am looking for someone goes away, and I smile and wave. He does the same and we briefly talk. I start to walk away, but I turn around and say, "Hey, Mike! Wait! We're gonna hang out this summer, right?" His smile fades and he gives me a serious, almost questionable face, and he dissolves out of the dream. That is when I wake up.

I have not found something so heartbreaking. I have to remind myself every time after my dream WHY he fades out of my dream.

I love you. I miss you.

I never realized how much you changed my life. <3

don't let the sun go down on me.

Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I just allowed a fragment of your life to wander free
Oh, Cause' losing everything is like the sun going down on me

It's all starting over again, but it's alright. This time I am keeping a positive and humorous attitude. After all, everyone has their moments.

Sometimes, you just have to swallow your spit.

I realized today how absolutely horrified I am of this final year of high school. I should be really excited to be done and out of there, and I really am. I think it's the whole independence issue that makes me nervous. I want nothing more than to get out of here and start working on what I love.

I should really stop liking you, but I know I'm not going to. I will wait as long as necessary... because for once, finally... I think that I have found someone worth the wait. It's a pretty awesome feeling. :)

Ahh, life is going to be good.

if it's not okay, it's not the end.

It's BACON! haha this is my dad's dog. He's so adorable. I love him. :)

That advice carried me to where I am now.

Not only am I at peace with myself, but I am slowly beginning to see my life in an all new perspective. This is MY life. I am in control of my emotions and how I react and how I feel and who I am.

I can no longer blame others. This is all on me.

A weight has been lifted, and I am good ol' Stef again.

I'ts good to be back, my friends. It's good to be back. :)

things get better, and things get worse.

Model ~ Samantha Nicole
<----

Well guys, I'm coming back.

HOORAY!
but...
DAMNIT!

Being with the familiar and the people I love and care about is good for me. This much I know. This much will help me see things as positive as I can.

I realize that when I am here, I feel as if I am miles and miles away, and I am missing everything and anything going on. I know that isn't true, but it's the paranoia eating at me again. I'm SUPER chill here, but not in every way I should be.

I don't know what kind of douchebaggary you pulled on me, but I have fallen for you and I can't get up. Life Alert, anyone? (that's for you, EMW. i knew you'd laugh.) In all seriousness though, especially as of late, I've been thinking about it more and more and more. I think it's more of a comfort to think of the time when I thought... THOUGHT... everything was about to go perfect in my life, and that was a big part of it. That memory over and over again...

*giggle*

It's even worse when friends shove that back in my face as a joke, too. They mean well, and I can laugh at myself, but the deeper meaning of it all cuts deep.

Maybe what someone once told me is right... "Stef, you were ruled out because you are emotional."

Yeah... I'd believe that... if I didn't feel like I was going through Hell and back.

knock knock.

Who's there?

It's life. It's telling you to get your head out of your ass.

... yikes.

- -

Yeah.

It's amazing to me the soul-searching I get done when I am sitting up all night with minimal activity. Sure, my life may seem to be going down the absolute shitter, but through the hardest times you learn who and what will help support you.

To the 7+ people who offered their home to me, I cannot express the appreciation I have. Joking, sure, but it showed that I wasn't going to be invisible when I leave. Finding love from friends has been better to me than here, anyway. I can honestly say that I had to stop myself from crying.

Hell, I'm in tears now.

I am going to miss everyone. EVERYONE. I may see you in the hall, or maybe you'll catch me once a weekend at a bonfire... but wrapping my mind around not actually being here with you guys and all that I am going to miss makes me really upset. You guys are all I have now, as far as I am concerned. You guys, and you know who you all are, are officially the only people in my life that haven't turned their backs on me.

I love each and every one of you dearly. When I say that to you, and I have to each of you NUMEROUS times, I mean it. Really.

After all, you're the loving family I feel like I haven't had.

Thank you. <3

fear in me so deep, it gets the best of me.

In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,
Here I stand hold back so no one can see,
I feel these wounds, step down, step down,
step down.

Well, things could be worse...

but not by much.

I don't know what to do. My sister doesn't know how to even help me. She knows she can't and it bothers her. At least she tried.

This is the part where I would normally bitch and moan about my life. I'm not going to. As I've said before, no one cares.

Do I even care much anymore?

fool me once...

shame on you.

fool me as many times as YOU have...

and i am just an idiot.

it's okay, though. maybe you'll realize how much of an ass you're being, and maybe you won't.

that's alright. i really want to be done with all of this... to be done with you... to stop feeling like i do...

but i can't.

honestly? it's your fault. i won't even take the blame for this anymore.

oh well. it will be alright. i just need to learn that this is how it all works. i've never done this, and now i am realizing why.

i can't believe i let myself get played like this... even when i was TOLD this is how you are.

hahaha. i feel so stupid.

in love with a Rebel.

I got a new camera. :D

It's the original Canon EOS Rebel. This will be my first time ever using film.

I cannot explain how excited I am about this... there are no words.

I call my PowerShot my baby. My child.

I guess you can say I adopted. <3

who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Hi. My name is Stefanie and I feel as though my life is being played before my eyes through a stormy, rainy, blurry window.

You know, if people were CLEAR about their intentions... and if people could learn how to properly COMMUNICATE...

There would be a lot less freaking problems.

I'm a sponge, Williams, nothing but a damn sponge...

Through the Never.

I love Mystic, so there she is. =)

Anyway, so much has happened in the past 24 hours... I don't really know how to explain it.

First off, my band friends are back from band camp. From what I heard, everyone seemed to have a great time. I'm really excited for them. :]

Second, and not happy, is my family meltdown. Now, I'm not going to go into detail because let's be honest. No one cares. It's just becoming more and more ridiculous... and I really am beginning to consider options I never have before. Something needs to be done... or else my personal well-being is being spared.

It's time for me to finally do what I need to do. Now, it's just doing it...

two months.

It's been two months now without you. I still have a hard time believing it.

I saw you, and I still cannot fully let myself understand that you are gone. I guess that will just take more time. After all, two months is not very long when it comes to grieving...

I would like to believe that you are in a better place, or that this happened for a reason... but my own beliefs do make me wonder if that's the case.

Either way, I love you and miss you more and more with each passing day. Not a day goes by without thinking what you would be up to now, what you could have been capable of later...

Rest in Peace. <3

smile for me, daddy.

let me see yo' grillz.

well...

grillz no more, bitches! HAHA!

wow am i happy. minus the fact my teeth look like baby teeth because they are so small and the fact that the brackets covered my whole tooth so they are all yellowish and gross, i am happy.

life keeps getting better. better and better.

i couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, today was eventful...

-----

*giggles at the MOST inappropriate time*

'why are you laughing?'

"i don't know..." *giggles more*

'random?'

"yeah... that's it." *walks away*

-_-

This, children, is why I love myself for being able to find humor at my lack of knowing what I am doing (and stopping myself before making myself look worse...XD), but absolutely hate myself for being so naive and embarrassing. I really, REALLY hope I didn't make too much of an ass out of myself. Next time (if there is one? =/ hehe) I'll make sure to be legit and make sure that goes a little smoother.

I love my life. I really do. :)

bright eyes, bright skies.

This will be a random fill-in post because I have not said much.

I am tired of the drama. You doing this brings everyone against each other when really, it has NOTHING to do with ANYONE but you and them. I am aggravated that I am being asked to keep secrets for you, and the fact you even asked that of me questions you immensely. I am not happy about it. AT ALL.

I don't know why you think I am mad at YOU, but that's bullshit and you know it. I would not have tried to speak to you in person otherwise. YOU were the one who blew ME off. It isn't my fault you always felt left out. You work like crazy. I tried to keep you a part of it, but I was busy in my own ways, too. Maybe our paths just took different directions, and this was meant to happen. Besides, you seem a lot happier now anyway. Best of luck to you. I really do have all the respect for you in the world.

My stomach is doing flips. "Butterflies in my stomach" isn't a good enough term. We'll go with... elephants? I have no idea... what.. how... when... where... I just...

gah! just gah!

I'm sure there will be a post tomorrow night. In fact, I will guarantee it as long as I am home.

*deep breath*

I am so excited. SO excited.

Seize the Day

"or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here,
too many people to ache over..."


Well, I actually have more to say this time than a bunch of little tidbits about random things people don't really care about.

First off, I wish I could help you. Really. I do. However, I cannot help you if you will not LISTEN to what I am saying. When I tell you that you deserve SO much better, and that you are an amazing person that should not be down about this, I truly mean it. To see you upset really bothers me, but there's a fine line between being depressed and straight up being an asshole/attention whore.

...

Wow. That's incredibly bitchy. I apologize.

Second, I feel as though I am letting some of my friends down lately, and I apologize for that as well. It really has nothing to do with you and it is nothing against you, but some stuff is getting in the way. I may come off a bitch or my sarcastic statements may come off as truthful, but they aren't, and I am sorry for anyone I am hurting presently. I am working on it. I am human. :)

Third, I just want to throw in that my mood has NOT gone south, and I am pretty damn positive it won't any time soon. It just keeps getting better and better, and I cannot even believe it myself. I guess I'm just the lucky one this time...

I'm going to see The Hangover tonight with Elizabeth because I informed her of its hilarity. I'm really excited to go not only for the movie, but because I never see her and it's going to be great to spend time with her again. After all, she is my other twin. (Doesn't come close to Erinn, though. That shit's uncanny. :] )

Monday, I am going on a photo hunt with Sam, and that's what I've been wanting to do all summer. Hopefully I'll get some good shots of her like she was looking for, as well as some more shots that could potentially go into a future portfolio. God, I love photography.

Tuesday... well, Tuesday will be amazing. Zach's house + party + Mrs. "Single Ladies" Friant = one helluva good time. Enough said on the matter.

and then finally, Wednesday I am hanging out with Dave and Walter. I am not sure what all three of us will be doing, but I can promise that I will have stories when I get back. It will be... interesting, at least. ;)

*rambling obnoxiously*

Oh, did I mention that I am so nervous I feel like puking?

That will last, oh... four more days. Great.

...

=D

all that i ask...

is that this feeling never ends.

"Your status on MySpace says you're the happiest you've ever been. Why is that? =]"

...

'hahahaha. idk. just am. =)'

I'm a bad liar, and even they know it.

*sigh of content*

!

This picture is worth a million words.

There's really not much else to it.

I am a lame ass, and this is the reaction of something minor and petty.

...

I could not feel any happier about myself than I do at this very moment.

Tell Me, Please...

"Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political

And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please..."

I am so sick of you. Seriously. Get the goddamn stick out of your goddamn ass. Grow up. GROW UP. You make me sick. If I ever, EVER, end up like you when I am your age, I will end up wanting to die even more.

GROW THE FUCK UP.

I hate you. so much. SO FUCKING MUCH.

...

popcorn, popcorn, twist lightbulb.

that look in your eyes...

"I never though that this could be untrue."

I feel good. Really, truly good.

I'm slowly tying up loose ends in my life and really hoping to get everything sorted out.

I feel free. It's refreshing.

It's a short post, but it's something. =]

Don't Let 'Em Say You Ain't Beautiful...

"They can all get fucked, just stay true to you..."

After a full night of soul searching and no sleep...

I have come to terms with myself.

No, I do NOT need you.

Yes, my life sucks. Whose life doesn't?

I have my health, and I know who REALLY cares about me.

Most important?

I realize that I will be okay.

Life begins again, and I am happy. =]

'You're Not Welcome Here.'

'Go back to where you belong.'

'You feel wanted there? Then go live there.'

'This place is a joke.'

'Trust me. I WILL be letting him know about all of this.'

'I'll be calling you soon about me coming to stay with you for a while because I kind of HAVE to.'

'Hmm... well we'll see about that.'

'I thought you were staying longer. Why are you back?'

'Take you and your attitude away from me. I don't have to deal with you and your shit.'

...

I just thought I would share with you some quotes over the past 24 hours.

Whether they be from my mother, father, sister, or myself... this is my life right now.

I just thought I'd write it down for a day when I can look back and laugh, saying 'Why the FUCK did I deal with this as long as I did?'

You could say that things are looking up.

an update of my life.

• Loss of friends? Thr33. Check.
• Having BOTH parents angry at you? Check.
• Feeling 100% hopeless? Check.
• Giving up? Priceless.

There are some things in life money can't buy.

For everything else, there's my unfortunate life.

& when I think of all the places that I don't belong...

I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we've got to move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here...

I have not written a blog with much depth or length lately. Considering all that has happened and all that is swimming my mind now, however, I realize it is far overdue. Though I am not completely sure how to put what I want to say down, (does anyone?) I am going to try.

Lately, I feel as though I am surrounded by a glass barricade. You all see me, hear me, what have you, but I cannot see or hear you. I feel blindfolded. Enough has happened in such a short period of time to make me realize that the wool has been pulled over my eyes far before I ever even thought you would do it. I was way too naive to think that my "friends" would take advantage of my greatest strength, yet my ultimate downfall. Just because I am overly compassionate, it does not make me a door mat. It does not make me your zoo animal to watch and laugh at behind the glass walls. You knew I was going to notice eventually. I am not as unintelligent as you all may think. It is seemed to be consistent that the people I become closest to anymore somehow find a way to stab me in the back and use me for whatever they need. Hell, I know I would do anything for my friends and the people I love and care about, even if it causes my own personal pain. I do it all the fucking time. I can't help but have it bother me when I finally see that I am only good for that in your eyes, and then I am a nuisance any other time.

Telling the truth has been something I am known for. You come to me for advice, and I will tell you how it is. No bullshit. No sugarcoating. I have never believed in any of that because I would want the truth. The REAL truth. Alas, some people have not handled in well in the present, and I have lost at least one good friend to it. Nonetheless, honesty has always been something I base my friendships off of, and if you will not be honest to me when I KNOW you are lying, then it's done. The end. I am done feeling like every time someone is mad at me or every time something goes wrong, it is my fault. I have done NOTHING but take the blame for EVERYTHING my whole life, and no matter how many times I save your asses in the end, the credit means nothing to you. It just proves you can use me as a scapegoat. I want to throw up when I realize that I will probably let it happen again, but it's my nature to help everyone no matter what the cost... no matter how badly I am hurt by it...

Lord knows how bad it hurts sometimes... but I can genuinely tell you that I will do ANYTHING for people I care about. ANYTHING. I guess that is the price you pay, though... You will have to walk over broken glass, get some pieces caught in your foot, rip them out, and tread on.

I've also come to terms that I attach myself to people way too easily. I've known it for a while, and I have been trying to fix it, but it's just a matter of me trying to become close with someone that I can relate to, you know? It seems even with people I have known for years and years, I am not even in the same book with them anymore. I know that people go their separate ways and that people change, but I honestly cannot tell if it's other people changing... or it's me?

Sometimes I wonder if seeing somebody would make things better. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. I feel like I am in harm's way ALL THE TIME. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything. I always feel like I am the joke. As obnoxious at that sounds, it honestly isn't even funny to me anymore. I used to joke all the time about it. "Oh yeah. My mom's paranoid as hell. I must just get it from her. Haha!" No. This is the legitimate reason why I do not sleep. This is all I think about. This is it. If I am hanging out with you, smiling and laughing my little heart out... and all of a sudden I stop, it's because the thought ran through my mind.

They are laughing at you, not with you. Get away from them.

You ask what's wrong, right? I'll bet you that you got the answer of, "Oh, nothing. I'm just tired. It's fine." Yeah... I have a serious problem. I am scared to figure out what it is, and I really do not want to talk to anyone, but I probably should.

You know, it's really sad to read my previous blog and then come to this one. That night made me so happy. Being with them was perfect. I felt so warm, so safe, so protected. For once, the thoughts did NOT run through my mind, and I was at ease. For once, I was at a complete state of utter relaxation and happiness. For once, I had the hope that maybe things were going to be okay... That I was going to be okay...

I have no idea if I am going to be okay...

here in your arms.

umm...

:D!

idk what to say.

i just...

i have not felt this genuinely happy in a very, very long time.

i shouldn't, and i should stop myself from letting this happen...

but i won't.

:D

i love the shit outta you, girl.

wow.

what a very long and stressful night.

what needed to be done is finally done. i almost wonder if i did the right thing with that, but at the same time i really know that i did.

i just don't want either party mad at me.

overall, i think it will be so much better for both.

in other news, i am an idiot.

well, not really news at all, but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me now. especially since i am emotionally retarded.

my heart tends to backstab me. how the fuck does that even work?

whatever. all in all, i think i just am in need of a very long soul searching moment.

i need to clear my head and work out my problems, because lately i am NOT happy. most of the things that are making me happy should be, i guess, but the main one is kinda pathetic (and when i say kinda, i mean REALLY FUCKING) and... i feel absolutely like a 10 year old girl rather than a close-to 18 year old woman.

god, is it so wrong to just have something work in my god damn favor?!?!

bleh. it's been a long night/day. sleep is lacking...

where have my guards gone with you? why do i feel like i can be myself for real and not have to be afraid? why are you affecting me like this?

fuckshitdamn.

college. now. seriously.

capturing the greasiness.

Well, what can I say?

I did what I always do. Actually, I did what someone TOLD me to do.

Did I get let down in the process?

Absolutely.

Story of my life.

Oh well... I really need to learn to not do this.

I feel like crap. SO MUCH CRAP.

Blahh... I want to curl into a hole and not come up. Ever. Please.

a leap of faith.

*RENT style*

Wow. Just wow.

I could kill for it. I really could. I haven't felt like this... for years. I think I might even try with this one... which I never do because it always turns out bad in the end...

Seriously, though? I'll be damned if I let opportunity escape me again.

I will try, and I will hopefully succeed.

After all... you have to take leaps of faith sometimes, right?

Maybe they never work because I'm atheist... haha.

EDIT: I'm done. Forget it. Not happening. Not a chance.
...
Some of my friends are done.
Don't expect me talking to you unless I have to.

if today was your last day...

Too many people are dying. Seriously.

I mean, come on. First Ed McMahon, then Michael fucking Jackson, then Farrah Fawcett, and then BILLY MAYS?

in one week?!?!

Who's next?

It really makes you reflect on the life that you have and how absolutely fragile it is.

(side note: this photo has four crosses reflected onto the garages... coincidence?)

In all seriousness, I never really gave in-depth thought about my death because that's obviously a sad and horrifying thing to think about. I always just assumed that it will come when I'm old and crippled and it won't really be a huge deal.

I'm an idiot.

Perfect example of my idiocy:

My dear, dear Michael King... it has been a month now. I cannot believe it. I still cannot believe it. I'm having a fucking blast of a summer for you, buddy. I'd be making you proud. I love you, Mike. <3

Good lord, what a depressing blog.

Sometimes, however, you just have to roll with the changes. Unfortunately, the changes have been fatal.

What a sad month for the world.

i used to love turkey...

Not a good photo, I know, but it's all I got right now to put here.

So... I don't even know what to say.

Blah. BlahBlahBlahBlah.

I hate people. I hate people who think they are better than everyone else. I just hate most people.

I love you, though. You know who you are, chosen few. Trust me. You know. ;) haha

God... I just wanna go to sleep and have a coma for a while to just... forget.

Blah.

Have You Seen Twilight?

Hands down, tonight was probably the funnest night I have had in a LONG ASS TIME.

Nothing could bring down my mood.

Nothing, Nothing, Nothing.

Oh. Just so you know, you totally just redid EVERYTHING I tried to undo.

Thanks for that... I guess?

Gah...

I'll learn one of these days not to chase for the impossible.

But in all honesty... how impossible is it?

Anyway, I will never be able to look at choice people the same way again, and this stuff can happen every night and I'd never be sad. Ever.

I love my friends.

Fin.

Calle Ocho. <3

I know you want me,
You know I want cha... ;)

Well, summer has been going wonderfully so far. Even though I haven't gotten ANY color and I'm currently going to summer school (kill me.), things are great.

My friend's all-night bonfire is the epitome of a perfect summer night. I was never happier than that time. If only every night could be like that...

I'm starting to become more and more paranoid... I can't really explain why though. I really wish I could shake off the ridiculous thoughts that come into my head, but it's not happening. I really wonder if something is wrong with me.

"You don't really love me."
"What if all my friends really don't like me?"
"I think you are just pitying me and that's why you are doing this."
"You're avoiding me. Please just tell me to go away."
"I am bothering you. I won't talk to you anymore."

It's ridiculous. Seriously. Will someone please just punch me in the face? It's starting to become an issue in everyday life, too. Just the other day, I starting talking to some people. The whole time, I just kept thinking that I'm being made fun of during this whole conversation, and I wasn't myself. If you know me at all, you know that I am loud and bubbly and obnoxious. I was NOTHING like that, and it was obvious. I can't do this anymore. It's horrifying...

I am absolutely, positively, irrevocably in love.

I never really gave thought that something so happy and wonderful could be so hard and heartbreaking.

Kill me. Please.

California countdown: 3 years!

I've Gotta Feelin'...

(woooo hoooo)

that tonight's gonna be a good night

that tonight's gonna be a good night

that tonight's gonna be a good, good night...

So yeah. I haven't blogged in a while, and now I feel like it.

Where to begin... it's not like a lot has happened, but at the same time a lot HAS happened...

First off, the filming of "Willow Street" is over. It's going to be amazing. I cannot even wait to see how Mike edits it all. I took the pictures for it and he wants me to make the DVD cover. How exciting is THAT?! I'm thinking this picture... let me know the creepy factor of it. :P

So there's that. :D

Tension in the household is INTENSE. I really don't know what to do about it anymore, and this was the last straw this time. It's one thing to make me feel like shit, but when you start passing it on to someone else, I am drawing the line. I am done with the bullshit. I just want to go to college and get the hell out of here.

I want to go to California. No, I NEED to go. It's the farthest place away from here, and I could really excel in my photography there. I'm looking into the Brooks Institute and I want to go there more than anything in the entire world...

Going to California would make me the happiest person in the entire world. It would be perfect...

Anyway... *deep sigh*

Summer's starting to become monotonous and almost boring. Missouri was going to be my escape like it was last year...

&& I cannot even go. Wonderful.

What a weird mood... and it isn't good.