the letter.

After going to Mike's wake. I realized that my closure would not come unless I said everything I needed to say to him. This is the letter I composed and sent to him on Facebook. I know it sounds really silly, but this is what is allowing me to heal. Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors within the text. Try to see past that.

This is my heart left for him to read, and now for you to read. This may explain to some why this has affected me in such the way that it has.

This is the letter.

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Dear Mike,

Where should I even begin?

Ever since the first day of freshman year, I knew you would be someone special in my life. I remember the day at lunch when you came up to me when I was crying. You told me that everything would be okay and to not sweat the small stuff. You went over to Kristin's table and yelled at her and ate all of her food, remember? I've never felt so much compassion and caring from someone I hardly knew.

Remember Spanish and Math together? For partner tests in Spanish you'd always pick me because I got you that A every single time, and you needed it becuase you were so bad at Spanish. hahaha :)

In Butterbach's class, you starting singing "It's the End of the World" by R.E.M. and I turned around and told you that was a great song. I remember you told me that I didn't know the song and was full of shit, and all I had to say was, "and I feel fine..." for you to look at me with your smile... your smile that will haunt me... and say "Oh yeah. We're friends now."

I remember when you moved I was sad because you were the life of the school. Nothing made my day more than hearing your loud ass down the hallways every day. It seemed so empty...

Finding out that you were in my business class first semester this year was really exciting. It was great to have you back. You and Joe, at times, drove me CRAZY, but I think back on it now and wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I remember you copied most of my business project so you wouldn't fail. :P

I remember the first day of Binotti's class. You walked in and looked at me and said, "You're in here, too?!" and gave me a high-five. I was really happy that maybe we'd become good friends because of this class.

In my opinion, I think we did.

I remember at prom, you saw me and went, "Damn, girl! You look GOOD!" and I tried to take a picture with you. It seriously haunts me now to remember that my camera was zoomed in, and the picture was ruined, your orange vest the only thing seen. I was too scared to come and ask for another picture, though. I was afraid that maybe since you were by your popular friends you wouldn't want to. I told myself I'd wait until next prom.

That decision makes me so upset, Mike.

I remember gym class on one of the last days of school. We had that Olympics thing. We were on the same team. Team Egypt. You and I kicked some MAJOR ass being the back of the tug-o-war. :) Before all of that, though, I remember when we were warming up you coming up to me, wrapping your arms around me, and singing John Mayer.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part..."

Ironic... but something I cherish now.

Porbably my favorite memory with you, though, is singing Love Lockdown in Binotti's class. Remember that? You'd start humming the beat, and then I'd start tapping it on the desk. As soon as I started tapping, you'd start singing it, and I'd join it. God, Binotti used to yell at us. We'd keep going. :)

I remember that last day, Mike. That last day I had with you. I remember it all perfectly. Finals day. The last day of school. The day before you died.

I saw you in the beginning of the day, and I asked if you were ready for the English final. You said, "Oh yeah, yeah. It'll be easy." and smiled. I remember coming into Binotti's room and you came in with your hat... God, I love that hat... and you kept trying to hang it off the corner of Binotti's cabinets saying, "Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you."

I remember finishing the test, and we weren't allowed to talk. You and I started talking anyway, and Binotti FREAKED out. We laughed. You always found a way to piss her off. :)

She gave us candy afterwards. You hoarded all the damn gummi bears. Then you gave me half the bag and told me not to tell anyone. :)

You then asked me to grab your shoes off the desk in front of you. I did, and I handed them to you. You replied, "Thank you. I love you."

I remember contemplating asking for your cell number so we could text over the summer, but again, I was too scared to. I don't really know why, I just... was.

Another decision that makes me upset, though I suppose having it wouldn't really of mattered...

I remember the bell ringing, and you and I walking out of her class together, you being pissed off that you failed English 2, again. We talked all the way until my locker, when I stopped and said, "Have a good summer, Mike!" and you smiled and said "You too!"

I remember standing at my locker and watching you walk down the hallways and turn the corner. I remember thinking that I was going to be coming into Wendy's and visiting a lot.

That's my last memory with you, Mike. I replay it over and over and over again to make sure that I will never forget it.

I replay all of these memories for you because I want you to see how much of an impact you made on my life. I guess I never really gave it much thought until that phone call at a friend's house.

"Mike King is dead."

No words can ever express the sadness and the absolute horror that filled me, and even now I feel the same. Even though we weren't CLOSE, we were at school that last semester, and I hold that to my heart. I could never explain now much I miss you...

Seeing you today at your wake... I couldn't go in at first. I lost it before even getting in the room. I saw you from afar and I just lost it. NEVER had I seen you:

a.) not with that huge, glowing smile on your face
and
b.) still. you were always moving, always on the go...

I couldn't handle it. The confirmation of what I was begging to everything, everyone... was right in front of my face.

I did it though, for you. You deserved more than just my being there, Mike. You deserved everything. Going up to you... seeing you there... I really can't tell what was going on in my mind. I certainly could not tell you goodbye right there. I tried to, but I couldn't. I touched your hand... telling you silently that I loved you and missed you, and walked away.

This is my goodbye to you, Michael Dewayne King, Jr. You will never be forgotten in my mind, in my soul, in my heart. You have left a permanent mark on me, as well as everyone else here, and the amount of love being sent your way is fascinating.

I'm not a religious person by any means. I do not believe in much. However, I can say that if I could see you again, nothing would be more of an honor for me.

You told me once that you wanted me to bowl a 300. That is my goal for you, Mike. When I bowl that 300 game for you, I am dedicating it to you as soon as that last strike happens.

Anything to make you proud, Mike. That's all I ever wanted.

I love you. I miss you. You are my idol, my legend, my inspiration.

Daddy's got you, Mike. Daddy's got you. ♥