Through the Never.

I love Mystic, so there she is. =)

Anyway, so much has happened in the past 24 hours... I don't really know how to explain it.

First off, my band friends are back from band camp. From what I heard, everyone seemed to have a great time. I'm really excited for them. :]

Second, and not happy, is my family meltdown. Now, I'm not going to go into detail because let's be honest. No one cares. It's just becoming more and more ridiculous... and I really am beginning to consider options I never have before. Something needs to be done... or else my personal well-being is being spared.

It's time for me to finally do what I need to do. Now, it's just doing it...

two months.

It's been two months now without you. I still have a hard time believing it.

I saw you, and I still cannot fully let myself understand that you are gone. I guess that will just take more time. After all, two months is not very long when it comes to grieving...

I would like to believe that you are in a better place, or that this happened for a reason... but my own beliefs do make me wonder if that's the case.

Either way, I love you and miss you more and more with each passing day. Not a day goes by without thinking what you would be up to now, what you could have been capable of later...

Rest in Peace. <3

smile for me, daddy.

let me see yo' grillz.

well...

grillz no more, bitches! HAHA!

wow am i happy. minus the fact my teeth look like baby teeth because they are so small and the fact that the brackets covered my whole tooth so they are all yellowish and gross, i am happy.

life keeps getting better. better and better.

i couldn't ask for anything more.

Well, today was eventful...

-----

*giggles at the MOST inappropriate time*

'why are you laughing?'

"i don't know..." *giggles more*

'random?'

"yeah... that's it." *walks away*

-_-

This, children, is why I love myself for being able to find humor at my lack of knowing what I am doing (and stopping myself before making myself look worse...XD), but absolutely hate myself for being so naive and embarrassing. I really, REALLY hope I didn't make too much of an ass out of myself. Next time (if there is one? =/ hehe) I'll make sure to be legit and make sure that goes a little smoother.

I love my life. I really do. :)

bright eyes, bright skies.

This will be a random fill-in post because I have not said much.

I am tired of the drama. You doing this brings everyone against each other when really, it has NOTHING to do with ANYONE but you and them. I am aggravated that I am being asked to keep secrets for you, and the fact you even asked that of me questions you immensely. I am not happy about it. AT ALL.

I don't know why you think I am mad at YOU, but that's bullshit and you know it. I would not have tried to speak to you in person otherwise. YOU were the one who blew ME off. It isn't my fault you always felt left out. You work like crazy. I tried to keep you a part of it, but I was busy in my own ways, too. Maybe our paths just took different directions, and this was meant to happen. Besides, you seem a lot happier now anyway. Best of luck to you. I really do have all the respect for you in the world.

My stomach is doing flips. "Butterflies in my stomach" isn't a good enough term. We'll go with... elephants? I have no idea... what.. how... when... where... I just...

gah! just gah!

I'm sure there will be a post tomorrow night. In fact, I will guarantee it as long as I am home.

*deep breath*

I am so excited. SO excited.

Seize the Day

"or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here,
too many people to ache over..."


Well, I actually have more to say this time than a bunch of little tidbits about random things people don't really care about.

First off, I wish I could help you. Really. I do. However, I cannot help you if you will not LISTEN to what I am saying. When I tell you that you deserve SO much better, and that you are an amazing person that should not be down about this, I truly mean it. To see you upset really bothers me, but there's a fine line between being depressed and straight up being an asshole/attention whore.

...

Wow. That's incredibly bitchy. I apologize.

Second, I feel as though I am letting some of my friends down lately, and I apologize for that as well. It really has nothing to do with you and it is nothing against you, but some stuff is getting in the way. I may come off a bitch or my sarcastic statements may come off as truthful, but they aren't, and I am sorry for anyone I am hurting presently. I am working on it. I am human. :)

Third, I just want to throw in that my mood has NOT gone south, and I am pretty damn positive it won't any time soon. It just keeps getting better and better, and I cannot even believe it myself. I guess I'm just the lucky one this time...

I'm going to see The Hangover tonight with Elizabeth because I informed her of its hilarity. I'm really excited to go not only for the movie, but because I never see her and it's going to be great to spend time with her again. After all, she is my other twin. (Doesn't come close to Erinn, though. That shit's uncanny. :] )

Monday, I am going on a photo hunt with Sam, and that's what I've been wanting to do all summer. Hopefully I'll get some good shots of her like she was looking for, as well as some more shots that could potentially go into a future portfolio. God, I love photography.

Tuesday... well, Tuesday will be amazing. Zach's house + party + Mrs. "Single Ladies" Friant = one helluva good time. Enough said on the matter.

and then finally, Wednesday I am hanging out with Dave and Walter. I am not sure what all three of us will be doing, but I can promise that I will have stories when I get back. It will be... interesting, at least. ;)

*rambling obnoxiously*

Oh, did I mention that I am so nervous I feel like puking?

That will last, oh... four more days. Great.

...

=D

all that i ask...

is that this feeling never ends.

"Your status on MySpace says you're the happiest you've ever been. Why is that? =]"

...

'hahahaha. idk. just am. =)'

I'm a bad liar, and even they know it.

*sigh of content*

!

This picture is worth a million words.

There's really not much else to it.

I am a lame ass, and this is the reaction of something minor and petty.

...

I could not feel any happier about myself than I do at this very moment.

Tell Me, Please...

"Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political

And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please..."

I am so sick of you. Seriously. Get the goddamn stick out of your goddamn ass. Grow up. GROW UP. You make me sick. If I ever, EVER, end up like you when I am your age, I will end up wanting to die even more.

GROW THE FUCK UP.

I hate you. so much. SO FUCKING MUCH.

...

popcorn, popcorn, twist lightbulb.

that look in your eyes...

"I never though that this could be untrue."

I feel good. Really, truly good.

I'm slowly tying up loose ends in my life and really hoping to get everything sorted out.

I feel free. It's refreshing.

It's a short post, but it's something. =]

Don't Let 'Em Say You Ain't Beautiful...

"They can all get fucked, just stay true to you..."

After a full night of soul searching and no sleep...

I have come to terms with myself.

No, I do NOT need you.

Yes, my life sucks. Whose life doesn't?

I have my health, and I know who REALLY cares about me.

Most important?

I realize that I will be okay.

Life begins again, and I am happy. =]

'You're Not Welcome Here.'

'Go back to where you belong.'

'You feel wanted there? Then go live there.'

'This place is a joke.'

'Trust me. I WILL be letting him know about all of this.'

'I'll be calling you soon about me coming to stay with you for a while because I kind of HAVE to.'

'Hmm... well we'll see about that.'

'I thought you were staying longer. Why are you back?'

'Take you and your attitude away from me. I don't have to deal with you and your shit.'

...

I just thought I would share with you some quotes over the past 24 hours.

Whether they be from my mother, father, sister, or myself... this is my life right now.

I just thought I'd write it down for a day when I can look back and laugh, saying 'Why the FUCK did I deal with this as long as I did?'

You could say that things are looking up.

an update of my life.

• Loss of friends? Thr33. Check.
• Having BOTH parents angry at you? Check.
• Feeling 100% hopeless? Check.
• Giving up? Priceless.

There are some things in life money can't buy.

For everything else, there's my unfortunate life.

& when I think of all the places that I don't belong...

I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we've got to move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here...

I have not written a blog with much depth or length lately. Considering all that has happened and all that is swimming my mind now, however, I realize it is far overdue. Though I am not completely sure how to put what I want to say down, (does anyone?) I am going to try.

Lately, I feel as though I am surrounded by a glass barricade. You all see me, hear me, what have you, but I cannot see or hear you. I feel blindfolded. Enough has happened in such a short period of time to make me realize that the wool has been pulled over my eyes far before I ever even thought you would do it. I was way too naive to think that my "friends" would take advantage of my greatest strength, yet my ultimate downfall. Just because I am overly compassionate, it does not make me a door mat. It does not make me your zoo animal to watch and laugh at behind the glass walls. You knew I was going to notice eventually. I am not as unintelligent as you all may think. It is seemed to be consistent that the people I become closest to anymore somehow find a way to stab me in the back and use me for whatever they need. Hell, I know I would do anything for my friends and the people I love and care about, even if it causes my own personal pain. I do it all the fucking time. I can't help but have it bother me when I finally see that I am only good for that in your eyes, and then I am a nuisance any other time.

Telling the truth has been something I am known for. You come to me for advice, and I will tell you how it is. No bullshit. No sugarcoating. I have never believed in any of that because I would want the truth. The REAL truth. Alas, some people have not handled in well in the present, and I have lost at least one good friend to it. Nonetheless, honesty has always been something I base my friendships off of, and if you will not be honest to me when I KNOW you are lying, then it's done. The end. I am done feeling like every time someone is mad at me or every time something goes wrong, it is my fault. I have done NOTHING but take the blame for EVERYTHING my whole life, and no matter how many times I save your asses in the end, the credit means nothing to you. It just proves you can use me as a scapegoat. I want to throw up when I realize that I will probably let it happen again, but it's my nature to help everyone no matter what the cost... no matter how badly I am hurt by it...

Lord knows how bad it hurts sometimes... but I can genuinely tell you that I will do ANYTHING for people I care about. ANYTHING. I guess that is the price you pay, though... You will have to walk over broken glass, get some pieces caught in your foot, rip them out, and tread on.

I've also come to terms that I attach myself to people way too easily. I've known it for a while, and I have been trying to fix it, but it's just a matter of me trying to become close with someone that I can relate to, you know? It seems even with people I have known for years and years, I am not even in the same book with them anymore. I know that people go their separate ways and that people change, but I honestly cannot tell if it's other people changing... or it's me?

Sometimes I wonder if seeing somebody would make things better. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. I feel like I am in harm's way ALL THE TIME. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything. I always feel like I am the joke. As obnoxious at that sounds, it honestly isn't even funny to me anymore. I used to joke all the time about it. "Oh yeah. My mom's paranoid as hell. I must just get it from her. Haha!" No. This is the legitimate reason why I do not sleep. This is all I think about. This is it. If I am hanging out with you, smiling and laughing my little heart out... and all of a sudden I stop, it's because the thought ran through my mind.

They are laughing at you, not with you. Get away from them.

You ask what's wrong, right? I'll bet you that you got the answer of, "Oh, nothing. I'm just tired. It's fine." Yeah... I have a serious problem. I am scared to figure out what it is, and I really do not want to talk to anyone, but I probably should.

You know, it's really sad to read my previous blog and then come to this one. That night made me so happy. Being with them was perfect. I felt so warm, so safe, so protected. For once, the thoughts did NOT run through my mind, and I was at ease. For once, I was at a complete state of utter relaxation and happiness. For once, I had the hope that maybe things were going to be okay... That I was going to be okay...

I have no idea if I am going to be okay...

here in your arms.

umm...

:D!

idk what to say.

i just...

i have not felt this genuinely happy in a very, very long time.

i shouldn't, and i should stop myself from letting this happen...

but i won't.

:D

i love the shit outta you, girl.

wow.

what a very long and stressful night.

what needed to be done is finally done. i almost wonder if i did the right thing with that, but at the same time i really know that i did.

i just don't want either party mad at me.

overall, i think it will be so much better for both.

in other news, i am an idiot.

well, not really news at all, but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me now. especially since i am emotionally retarded.

my heart tends to backstab me. how the fuck does that even work?

whatever. all in all, i think i just am in need of a very long soul searching moment.

i need to clear my head and work out my problems, because lately i am NOT happy. most of the things that are making me happy should be, i guess, but the main one is kinda pathetic (and when i say kinda, i mean REALLY FUCKING) and... i feel absolutely like a 10 year old girl rather than a close-to 18 year old woman.

god, is it so wrong to just have something work in my god damn favor?!?!

bleh. it's been a long night/day. sleep is lacking...

where have my guards gone with you? why do i feel like i can be myself for real and not have to be afraid? why are you affecting me like this?

fuckshitdamn.

college. now. seriously.

capturing the greasiness.

Well, what can I say?

I did what I always do. Actually, I did what someone TOLD me to do.

Did I get let down in the process?

Absolutely.

Story of my life.

Oh well... I really need to learn to not do this.

I feel like crap. SO MUCH CRAP.

Blahh... I want to curl into a hole and not come up. Ever. Please.

a leap of faith.

*RENT style*

Wow. Just wow.

I could kill for it. I really could. I haven't felt like this... for years. I think I might even try with this one... which I never do because it always turns out bad in the end...

Seriously, though? I'll be damned if I let opportunity escape me again.

I will try, and I will hopefully succeed.

After all... you have to take leaps of faith sometimes, right?

Maybe they never work because I'm atheist... haha.

EDIT: I'm done. Forget it. Not happening. Not a chance.
...
Some of my friends are done.
Don't expect me talking to you unless I have to.