& when I think of all the places that I don't belong...

I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we've got to move on, dear
Escape from this afterlife
'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on
Far away from here...

I have not written a blog with much depth or length lately. Considering all that has happened and all that is swimming my mind now, however, I realize it is far overdue. Though I am not completely sure how to put what I want to say down, (does anyone?) I am going to try.

Lately, I feel as though I am surrounded by a glass barricade. You all see me, hear me, what have you, but I cannot see or hear you. I feel blindfolded. Enough has happened in such a short period of time to make me realize that the wool has been pulled over my eyes far before I ever even thought you would do it. I was way too naive to think that my "friends" would take advantage of my greatest strength, yet my ultimate downfall. Just because I am overly compassionate, it does not make me a door mat. It does not make me your zoo animal to watch and laugh at behind the glass walls. You knew I was going to notice eventually. I am not as unintelligent as you all may think. It is seemed to be consistent that the people I become closest to anymore somehow find a way to stab me in the back and use me for whatever they need. Hell, I know I would do anything for my friends and the people I love and care about, even if it causes my own personal pain. I do it all the fucking time. I can't help but have it bother me when I finally see that I am only good for that in your eyes, and then I am a nuisance any other time.

Telling the truth has been something I am known for. You come to me for advice, and I will tell you how it is. No bullshit. No sugarcoating. I have never believed in any of that because I would want the truth. The REAL truth. Alas, some people have not handled in well in the present, and I have lost at least one good friend to it. Nonetheless, honesty has always been something I base my friendships off of, and if you will not be honest to me when I KNOW you are lying, then it's done. The end. I am done feeling like every time someone is mad at me or every time something goes wrong, it is my fault. I have done NOTHING but take the blame for EVERYTHING my whole life, and no matter how many times I save your asses in the end, the credit means nothing to you. It just proves you can use me as a scapegoat. I want to throw up when I realize that I will probably let it happen again, but it's my nature to help everyone no matter what the cost... no matter how badly I am hurt by it...

Lord knows how bad it hurts sometimes... but I can genuinely tell you that I will do ANYTHING for people I care about. ANYTHING. I guess that is the price you pay, though... You will have to walk over broken glass, get some pieces caught in your foot, rip them out, and tread on.

I've also come to terms that I attach myself to people way too easily. I've known it for a while, and I have been trying to fix it, but it's just a matter of me trying to become close with someone that I can relate to, you know? It seems even with people I have known for years and years, I am not even in the same book with them anymore. I know that people go their separate ways and that people change, but I honestly cannot tell if it's other people changing... or it's me?

Sometimes I wonder if seeing somebody would make things better. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. I feel like I am in harm's way ALL THE TIME. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything. I always feel like I am the joke. As obnoxious at that sounds, it honestly isn't even funny to me anymore. I used to joke all the time about it. "Oh yeah. My mom's paranoid as hell. I must just get it from her. Haha!" No. This is the legitimate reason why I do not sleep. This is all I think about. This is it. If I am hanging out with you, smiling and laughing my little heart out... and all of a sudden I stop, it's because the thought ran through my mind.

They are laughing at you, not with you. Get away from them.

You ask what's wrong, right? I'll bet you that you got the answer of, "Oh, nothing. I'm just tired. It's fine." Yeah... I have a serious problem. I am scared to figure out what it is, and I really do not want to talk to anyone, but I probably should.

You know, it's really sad to read my previous blog and then come to this one. That night made me so happy. Being with them was perfect. I felt so warm, so safe, so protected. For once, the thoughts did NOT run through my mind, and I was at ease. For once, I was at a complete state of utter relaxation and happiness. For once, I had the hope that maybe things were going to be okay... That I was going to be okay...

I have no idea if I am going to be okay...