looking for someone that's not an asshole.

Anyone seen one?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Bueller?

Yeah. People can fuck off and die.

Plus side: This picture shown above is one of many I took in my first real photo shoot the other day. They turned out really cute I think! :)

Senioritis is hitting even HARDER. I'm in need of just... being done.

good friends.

good music.
good food.

one HELLUVA good time. <3

it is a very somber day.

To the greatest pilot there was ever going to be... Happy Birthday.

I keep having this re-occurring dream. It's the last day of school, and I'm walking down the hall and talking to all of my friends, and I have the sense that I am looking for someone. After a while, I come to find Mike and a group of his friends hanging out by the vending machines, you know? When I see him, that feeling that I am looking for someone goes away, and I smile and wave. He does the same and we briefly talk. I start to walk away, but I turn around and say, "Hey, Mike! Wait! We're gonna hang out this summer, right?" His smile fades and he gives me a serious, almost questionable face, and he dissolves out of the dream. That is when I wake up.

I have not found something so heartbreaking. I have to remind myself every time after my dream WHY he fades out of my dream.

I love you. I miss you.

I never realized how much you changed my life. <3

don't let the sun go down on me.

Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I just allowed a fragment of your life to wander free
Oh, Cause' losing everything is like the sun going down on me

It's all starting over again, but it's alright. This time I am keeping a positive and humorous attitude. After all, everyone has their moments.

Sometimes, you just have to swallow your spit.

I realized today how absolutely horrified I am of this final year of high school. I should be really excited to be done and out of there, and I really am. I think it's the whole independence issue that makes me nervous. I want nothing more than to get out of here and start working on what I love.

I should really stop liking you, but I know I'm not going to. I will wait as long as necessary... because for once, finally... I think that I have found someone worth the wait. It's a pretty awesome feeling. :)

Ahh, life is going to be good.

if it's not okay, it's not the end.

It's BACON! haha this is my dad's dog. He's so adorable. I love him. :)

That advice carried me to where I am now.

Not only am I at peace with myself, but I am slowly beginning to see my life in an all new perspective. This is MY life. I am in control of my emotions and how I react and how I feel and who I am.

I can no longer blame others. This is all on me.

A weight has been lifted, and I am good ol' Stef again.

I'ts good to be back, my friends. It's good to be back. :)

things get better, and things get worse.

Model ~ Samantha Nicole
<----

Well guys, I'm coming back.

HOORAY!
but...
DAMNIT!

Being with the familiar and the people I love and care about is good for me. This much I know. This much will help me see things as positive as I can.

I realize that when I am here, I feel as if I am miles and miles away, and I am missing everything and anything going on. I know that isn't true, but it's the paranoia eating at me again. I'm SUPER chill here, but not in every way I should be.

I don't know what kind of douchebaggary you pulled on me, but I have fallen for you and I can't get up. Life Alert, anyone? (that's for you, EMW. i knew you'd laugh.) In all seriousness though, especially as of late, I've been thinking about it more and more and more. I think it's more of a comfort to think of the time when I thought... THOUGHT... everything was about to go perfect in my life, and that was a big part of it. That memory over and over again...

*giggle*

It's even worse when friends shove that back in my face as a joke, too. They mean well, and I can laugh at myself, but the deeper meaning of it all cuts deep.

Maybe what someone once told me is right... "Stef, you were ruled out because you are emotional."

Yeah... I'd believe that... if I didn't feel like I was going through Hell and back.

knock knock.

Who's there?

It's life. It's telling you to get your head out of your ass.

... yikes.

- -

Yeah.

It's amazing to me the soul-searching I get done when I am sitting up all night with minimal activity. Sure, my life may seem to be going down the absolute shitter, but through the hardest times you learn who and what will help support you.

To the 7+ people who offered their home to me, I cannot express the appreciation I have. Joking, sure, but it showed that I wasn't going to be invisible when I leave. Finding love from friends has been better to me than here, anyway. I can honestly say that I had to stop myself from crying.

Hell, I'm in tears now.

I am going to miss everyone. EVERYONE. I may see you in the hall, or maybe you'll catch me once a weekend at a bonfire... but wrapping my mind around not actually being here with you guys and all that I am going to miss makes me really upset. You guys are all I have now, as far as I am concerned. You guys, and you know who you all are, are officially the only people in my life that haven't turned their backs on me.

I love each and every one of you dearly. When I say that to you, and I have to each of you NUMEROUS times, I mean it. Really.

After all, you're the loving family I feel like I haven't had.

Thank you. <3

fear in me so deep, it gets the best of me.

In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,
Here I stand hold back so no one can see,
I feel these wounds, step down, step down,
step down.

Well, things could be worse...

but not by much.

I don't know what to do. My sister doesn't know how to even help me. She knows she can't and it bothers her. At least she tried.

This is the part where I would normally bitch and moan about my life. I'm not going to. As I've said before, no one cares.

Do I even care much anymore?

fool me once...

shame on you.

fool me as many times as YOU have...

and i am just an idiot.

it's okay, though. maybe you'll realize how much of an ass you're being, and maybe you won't.

that's alright. i really want to be done with all of this... to be done with you... to stop feeling like i do...

but i can't.

honestly? it's your fault. i won't even take the blame for this anymore.

oh well. it will be alright. i just need to learn that this is how it all works. i've never done this, and now i am realizing why.

i can't believe i let myself get played like this... even when i was TOLD this is how you are.

hahaha. i feel so stupid.

in love with a Rebel.

I got a new camera. :D

It's the original Canon EOS Rebel. This will be my first time ever using film.

I cannot explain how excited I am about this... there are no words.

I call my PowerShot my baby. My child.

I guess you can say I adopted. <3

who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Hi. My name is Stefanie and I feel as though my life is being played before my eyes through a stormy, rainy, blurry window.

You know, if people were CLEAR about their intentions... and if people could learn how to properly COMMUNICATE...

There would be a lot less freaking problems.

I'm a sponge, Williams, nothing but a damn sponge...