I Just. Don't. Know.

All I do anymore is cry. My whole face is dry, chapped, raw. My lips are flaky and deep red and no chap stick is working. My eyes cannot be touched because they are so sore.

I want to stop crying. I don't know what is wrong. I can't seem to pull it together.

I Just. Don't. Know.

I'm beginning to just have a moment again... and I am scared.

When I see your smile...

Tears run down my face

I can't replace

Now that I'm stronger, I've figured out

How this world turns cold, and it breaks through my soul

And I know I'll find

Deep inside me, I can be the one...

Hmm... It's been a long time since I've updated this, as my Jay so lovely pointed out. :P I also just mentioned to him that I usually don't blog unless I feel something to an extreme, whether it be happiness, sadness, anger, what have you.

Today, I DO feel something to an extreme. Today is the six month anniversary with Jay, and I feel too much love to describe, let alone even comprehend on my own. I feel like I have been with him FOREVER, yet it's been only half of a year. It's amazing how close you can become to someone in such a short period of time. He knows more about me than ANYONE, myself included. If I ever have a question within my life or within myself, he can answer with how I'm feeling and what I should/would do.

You all have known the old Stef. You know, the one who was always so down on herself. You'd never see me complimenting myself OR accepting others' compliments. I'd sit alone, I'd stay quiet, and I was that kid that everyone "liked", but really I got talked about behind my back. Now, I have all of the confidence and self-worth I need, and I have Jay to thank for that 100%. He was THAT guy to explain, prove, and go above and beyond to continue proving that not all guys are the same. He brought me back to life when everything inside me died after the fallout with my dad. He was there for me when EVERY OTHER PERSON turned their back or covered their eyes.

So, yes. Today, I feel love in the most powerful sense of the word. I could never picture myself with anyone else for the rest of my life, and I am elated. I cannot wait for many, MANY more months to come with him.

Happy anniversary, babe. I love you! :)

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

<3

... you know?

Some things just don't need words.

:)

"Something about the Midwest sun and oh, it makes me miss you more than a lot..."

"Could be the trees that stand alone in the fields

They remind me every couple of miles
I'd love to stop our lives, stop everything
Just so we could move far away
We'll live alone together with the sweat of the summer
With the chill of the cold winter air, oh yeah..."

So, essentially... "Janet" by The Format is my life. LOOK IT UP. It is WORTH IT.

Fall weather is finally here, and I am embracing it with open arms. I always tell people that my moods will change with the seasons, but it's never been so evident than the transition from summer to autumn this year. Everything has been going beautifully. Sure, there are some stumbles along the way, but that's life. You learn to shake them off and be better than it all. Do I miss what is lost and what once was? Sure. Do I ever want to go back? Not in a million years.

My birthday is in 26 days, and in 25 my life will feel a bit more complete again. I couldn't be any more content than those nights cuddling again. I miss that SO much.

My sleep pattern has faltered yet again. I don't know if it's the weather change or the amount on my mind as of late, but it's becoming very aggravating to me. I liked waking up at 7am every morning and going to bed at 11pm every night like a normal person.

My sister gave me the greatest compliment the other day:

"You are like a phoenix, my love. You get shut down and you just keep rising."

I have never been able to do that in my life, and this year I have learned to rise from the ashes and fly once more, stronger and more beautiful after each fall.

I've become SUCH a better person. :)

my confidence is 10 feet tall.

Never have I felt so good about myself.

I did all I needed to this summer, and now I'm in a GREAT place of mind.

My birthday is coming up, and I'm interested in seeing how things play out. Fingers crossed!

Derf.<3

but KEEP SMILING.

They'll try to bring you down...

Well... it's been interesting. Being back to reality and the stresses of having no money and a job that I love and hate at the same time... of long distance relationships and troubles of home... but I'm moving forward. I see my future coming up, and I would give ANYTHING for what I am going to have then, now... but this only makes it THAT much more worth the wait.

I'm still smiling. Stressed and exhausted, yes, but I'm still smiling.

nothing else matters.

Never opened myself this way.

Life is ours. We live it our way.

All these words I don't just say,

and nothing else matters.

The only thing I have to worry about with you is when you'll be back. I finally can believe that nothing/no one will get in the way of us anymore.

Blah. I miss you.

I've never been the sappy type... but I don't mind it at all. :)

I love you, Jay. <3

*sigh of utmost content*

Dear Life,

This week... kind of means a lot. Don't let it end, okay?

Love,

Steff

I really don't know what else to say.

I love him. He's the bestiest. ;D

<3

if you love your job...

... it shouldn't feel like work.

I do love my job. Sure, it annoys me when I feel like I live there, but I love who I work with and I am friends with everyone there. The Jimmy John's family means a LOT to me... and I am so glad to be a part of it.

A few of us had a scavenger hunt tonight... and it was awesome. I finally felt like I had real friends and was a part of something cool. It was nice... a new feeling I haven't had in a while. I loved it. :)

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. <3

Ahh, life. How I adore thee. =D

:/

It hurts more today than it has in a really long time.

Sitting on Facebook... like I always do... and having it turn 12...

Seeing the birthdays for the day... August 20th, 2010...

Seeing your name there... Remembering it was your birthday today... Getting that 'I was just hit in the face with a thrown brick.' feeling...

*sigh*

I am trying really hard to be strong today, but for some reason this is killing me all over again.

I visited him 2 days ago with Kelly. I never knew where he was. She offered to show me. It was... well... hard. I was really happy to be there... and I know I'll go back...

My heart hurts today... I'll never forget...

Happy Birthday, Mike.

I miss you... God, how I miss you.

turn off the lights, and turn off the shyness.

all of our moves make up for the silence

&& oh, the wayyyy your makeup stains my pillow case

like I'll never be the same...

~

Well. It has been an interesting couple of weeks. I am not even sure where to begin; therefore, I am just going to ramble.

*deep breath*

My sister always was the first one to tell me, "You have people in your life that aren't good people. They walk all over you, take advantage of you, use you, manipulate you... Why do you let yourself deal with that?". To be perfectly honest, I do it because I live on one simple phrase. Kill them with kindness. I have always hated violence. Sure, you'll see me spit some nasty venom at people who cross my path the wrong way, but I don't enjoy doing it. I believe that if I stay true to myself and am the person I know I can be and am striving to be, then that is all that matters. I am also a very strong believer in karma. That being said, I have no need to handle my situations with anything other than being myself. Let the karma do the work, and oh SWEET work it does.

My sister also was the first to tell me, "You are always so sad. Everyone asks me about you, and everyone is worried. Please let me know if I can help you.". Ahh, how I remember those days. It seems that NOTHING can bring me down anymore, though. It's amazing when you find someone real, someone genuine, someone true to you. They have a way of opening your eyes to everything around you that is happening and showing you things you wouldn't let yourself see. To be able to trust someone so thoroughly for the first time in my life has given me all of the happiness I need for right now. I am SURE that I annoy them all of the time by the compliments I give or the 'cute' things I'll say, but I only say it because it's true. I've never had someone care like that other than family... so it's a monumental deal for me.

Anywho, I am just pretty much at that point in my life where I don't really care what people think of me anymore. I don't feel the need to guard my true feelings. I don't have any desire to associate with people that made me someone I wasn't any longer. As of right now, I am me. I'm doing me. That's all I can do, and it's something I do best.

You don't like it? Sucks. You probably got told I was done anyway. :)

Oh, and a little P.S. moment:

6 days until my life is changed for the best. (or so i hope... because God knows I am seriously worried that I am not all what I'm expected to be...)

*fin*

finally.

Boy, have I waited to say THIS one for a long time.

Hi, my name is Stefanie. Some people call me Stef. Some people (and by that, I mean one person) calls me Steff. I digress. Anyway, the day has finally come.

I love myself.

I love who I am.

I love who I am with.

I love what is happening in my life.

I love my body.

I love my personality.

I love my friends.

I love my family.

I love life.

My name is Stefanie, and the post from a few months ago is SO not me.

EAT IT.

:)

am i the reason you breathe...

or am i the reason you cry?

(always, always, always....)

I can always have faith in lyrics to express me better than my own words.

I used to be really good at updating this thing... and I did it every day last summer. Maybe I can keep up with it again. I'd really like to.

I don't even know where to begin, how to begin...

(WARNING: EMO OUTBURST BLOG = NOW.)

*deep breath... sigh... head nod*

I'm officially not welcome in my home now. I was told to leave after graduation, and the date has been lifted to about two days ago. I am here at this house this one night because my dad is asleep and I wasn't willing to wake him at 11:30 at night after I got off work. Family problems keep getting worse, and nothing is worse feeling than this situation. I can handle when random people... even FRIENDS stab me in the back and obliterate all self-esteem and confidence and worth I have... but not family. NEVER family. I made it very clear that they are no longer family to me. They ruined that and it will never come back. They didn't seem phased. I'm not surprised.

Did I mention I may not graduate? Well, that ties into the whole family issue... so we'll go there next. Considering that I was at a constant state of depression because I was constantly being left feeling like a child that has done no right, I gave up in school. I now am biting my nails and have random panic attacks because I must pass all of my classes to graduate and it is VERY close. My lack of handling a petty situation has potentially risked my education... and for that, I refuse to forgive. If I do manage to make it Sunday and get that diploma, SHE will NOT be welcome. She is the reason I would not have (or won't.......) made/make it... and with all that has happened recently, I want a positive and SUPPORTING environment with me on that day... for ONCE. Everyone I care about in one place to support me and my struggles and my success.

Someone told me recently that I should become an actress. I can flip that switch, you know? The one where you see me and I am obnoxious and smiling and being silly ole Stef, dancing and rapping and being loud, but get me alone and I shut down completely. A double-edged sword, that switch is... and it's getting harder to keep it on to happy. Sure, things in life make me happy... friends, photography... well, actually... that's it. That's pathetic... a realization I just now got. One cannot survive on happiness solely from that... my own family doesn't even bring me joy anymore?

My heart aches. It feels like it's not there... and it just... the void hurts. Part of it has been stolen and smashed into a million pieces and thrown far enough away that the cracks can't be mended, the wounds won't heal... and that is also where I refuse to forgive. Another part is hundreds of miles away... and it is perfectly intact and beating and alive... and that is almost the worse of the two pains. I am absolutely HORRIFIED of being hurt by someone I love again... because it is all I have ever experienced. I can't seem to put that into words without it sounding like I have no trust... but it's really that I HAVE the trust and I am scared of that very thing. What can I do if I never will see that part of my heart again? What will I do if history repeats itself? I believe so badly that I need not worry this time... and my naive tendencies make me wonder if I am wrong.

I am losing all of my hair. It no longer curls, it is no longer thick, and it is dying. I was told stress makes this happen... Go figure.

I just want to stop crying. I want to feel like I don't need to second guess myself and second guess everyone I know to see if they are backstabbing me. I want to stop having this anxiety and paranoia... and I just want to be happy.

Why can't I just be happy?

YOU make me happy... but why do I feel like it is fading away?

Why do I feel like I am fading away?

(END EMO.)

hold on, there's a hole in my heart.

(because you aren't HERE. buh.)

Ahhh, spring photos. No color on the trees yet, but SO SOON. :D

Life has been a serious roller coaster. Horrid and humbling. Exciting and excruciating. Depressing and daring. Passionate and petty.

All in all, there isn't much to say but...

I haven't smiled so much in a really long time. I am finally feeling like I am okay with myself. Not only mentally and emotionally, either, mind you. I'm getting to that point where even I am beginning to have confidence in my physical appearance as well, and I would have never thought I'd get there. I can look in a mirror now and go, 'You look cute today, Stef.' and that was once blasphemous.

I know... it's stupid... but it's huge for me.

My name is Stefanie, and I love myself. Want to love me, too? ;D

baby, tell me what i've got to lose.

this cat... is annoying as PISS. do i love him to death? yes.

pets really are saviors.

So... I've done a pretty shitty job of updating this, and it's about time I had a blog with some substance and not, "EMO. EMO. EMO." so... here goes nothing.

We'll start with my knee. I have always had bad knees, so I just figured that it was hurting again and no big deal. WRONG. I went to get it checked out and not only do I for sure have tendinitis, but I also have a possible meniscus tear. AWESOME. I had therapy for the first time today and she poked around and asked questions... made me do like, 3 stretches, got an ultrasound and iced me. All she would say is, "Yeah, we have a meniscus issue." When I asked how that is treated normally, she said it depends on the tear and if it's bad enough I will need surgery. YES. AWESOME. *sigh*

Bowling ended, awards and all. I was fine up until Y called me up there. He had a lot to say, but the one thing that stuck out in my mind was when he said, "If it weren't for Stef on the team this year, we would NOT have had any of the success we did." To watch the whole room of players and parents nod in agreement and cheer for me after that had me burst into tears. I, of course, started a chain reaction... and it went downhill. I hate MCHS, I hate high school... but I LOVE my team... and I will miss it SO much.

Uhm, hi. My name is Stefanie and I am kind of too bubbly for my typical self lately. I know I should be careful, and I know I shouldn't be so caught up in this, but you only live once. How can you live to the fullest without feeling how you feel and saying what you want to say? I'm okay with this right now... and I am really looking forward to the future of this as well.

Oh. I'm as 'hard' as a cotton ball, if anyone was wondering. So much for me being 'GhettoStef' as you all like to say. :P

Hmmmm... Superman.<3

bring me back.

Just let me have this again.

I haven't said much.

I don't feel the need to.

I just need summer and for 99.9% of people to disappear out of my life.

permanent jetlag.

Well, State sucked pretty bad. I will miss this more than anyone could begin to understand... but things end and things change. I am ready for a new chapter in my life.

Can I just say how proud I am of my Minooka ladies this year? Granted, there was the drama that every all girls team should expect, but I am talking from the pure athletic perspective. We all progressed and did SO well this season, and I couldn't ask for more than that. I am going to miss it like CRAZY, but I know it's my time to move on.

I am quite pleased to be posting something happy and bubbly and optimistic. My personality is loud and vibrant and full of life, and I am SO glad to see that coming back again. I needed to just relax and take everything in stride... and I'm slowly getting the hang of it. Graduation is in three months and I am looking forward to closing the door on MCHS. I hate it there, but it has been my home for long enough to have a SMALL, VERY SMALL ache in my heart for leaving.

I want to move. Now. Come with me, EMW? We'll get ourselves an apartment. :D

*sigh* Why can't I have this outlook on life always? (:

my life. my love.

Please meet the varsity team that tied for first place in conference.

Oh! Did I mention we came into the tournament in SIXTH?

Hi, I am fucking proud of my ladies.

Granted, I am devastated that I didn't make all-conference and missed it by 2 bowlers, but I improved SO much this year that i cannot even describe. Sectionals are next Saturday and I am PUMPED for us to get out and go to STATE. I cannot wait. Not going to state is NOT an option.

I love life.

i need a change.

this is an old picture, but i LOVE the lighting and everything about it.

--

Today (well, this morning) has given me insight on my life. It's funny. I always seem to think about things like this in the wee hours of the morning, and perhaps this is why I never sleep. I feel as though I am at my full intellectual potential at 3/4 in the morning, so be it. Anyway, I've noticed that I am NOT happy with a lot of things in my life right now, and I need a change.

Sure, I was sad that college is coming up and all of my friends will be leaving and I will be alone, but really, I've always been alone. It will be no different. Besides, they have their lives to live and I have mine, so more power to them. I wish them all the luck in the world, and to those who are freaking out over it... don't. You know you will be great at everything that you do, and the success from your achievements will be plentiful.

I can't help but see that there are a few people in my life that I really don't like the way that they act or handle themselves. It bothers me to be associated with them at times, and I wish I wasn't just placed into the same category as them solely because I am their friend. Again, they have their life, and I have mine. Of course, I know that society doesn't work that way, so I may just have to make some changes. If they aren't making me comfortable and happy, why talk to them... right? Guilty by association holds a lot here. We'll see how this works... It will be a lot easier once people start moving away from me.

I'm still trying to find real happiness these days. It's not that I am not happy, but it's more of a... I guess you could say "self-help" issue. Sure, I have people telling me how great I am, how pretty I am, how talented I am... all the time. Just because I hear it and thank you does not mean I believe it myself. I WANT to believe it myself. I just never have. Maybe one day I will have the confidence I need to get there, but so far in 18+ years of my life I haven't found it. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you can't let go of the past.

*sigh* another blog gone south...

I hope this shit gets better. Christ.

parting is such sweet sorrow.

well, that was easier than i thought...

*lie*

i'm fine. haha.

*lie*

i won't think of you ever again.

*BIG lie*

well, you know, this new year is starting off just how i like it.

every puzzle piece is carefully kiltered to a spot off track, every string delicately tied into numerous knots, every squeeze to my heart tenderly smashing it to a million pieces.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! :]

it's been fun.

all things come to an end, right?

so long, winter break.

you were much needed...

school will now kill me all over again.

just what i need.

dear christ.

...

I just want to be happy for once.

happy FOR REAL REASONS.

happy because something is happening HERE. in REAL LIFE. that makes me okay with how life is going.

is that so god damn much to ask for?

i guess so, because i can't do it.

i'm tired of feeling like this.

i'm tired of having to fake it around people because they are sick of me being so down.

i'm tired of being myself, essentially.

but really, i'm not myself. not at all.

whatever... if you are sick of the way i am, gtfo. i'm tired of feeling worse because you guys are sick of me.

I CANNOT HELP IT.

oh, and i know the people that read this always tell me to shut the fuck up. it's fine. don't read my blogs then. i'll act the same as i have been around you. just because i am tired of faking it doesn't mean i won't. i still want my friends...

god, fuck.