my life. my love.

Please meet the varsity team that tied for first place in conference.

Oh! Did I mention we came into the tournament in SIXTH?

Hi, I am fucking proud of my ladies.

Granted, I am devastated that I didn't make all-conference and missed it by 2 bowlers, but I improved SO much this year that i cannot even describe. Sectionals are next Saturday and I am PUMPED for us to get out and go to STATE. I cannot wait. Not going to state is NOT an option.

I love life.

i need a change.

this is an old picture, but i LOVE the lighting and everything about it.

--

Today (well, this morning) has given me insight on my life. It's funny. I always seem to think about things like this in the wee hours of the morning, and perhaps this is why I never sleep. I feel as though I am at my full intellectual potential at 3/4 in the morning, so be it. Anyway, I've noticed that I am NOT happy with a lot of things in my life right now, and I need a change.

Sure, I was sad that college is coming up and all of my friends will be leaving and I will be alone, but really, I've always been alone. It will be no different. Besides, they have their lives to live and I have mine, so more power to them. I wish them all the luck in the world, and to those who are freaking out over it... don't. You know you will be great at everything that you do, and the success from your achievements will be plentiful.

I can't help but see that there are a few people in my life that I really don't like the way that they act or handle themselves. It bothers me to be associated with them at times, and I wish I wasn't just placed into the same category as them solely because I am their friend. Again, they have their life, and I have mine. Of course, I know that society doesn't work that way, so I may just have to make some changes. If they aren't making me comfortable and happy, why talk to them... right? Guilty by association holds a lot here. We'll see how this works... It will be a lot easier once people start moving away from me.

I'm still trying to find real happiness these days. It's not that I am not happy, but it's more of a... I guess you could say "self-help" issue. Sure, I have people telling me how great I am, how pretty I am, how talented I am... all the time. Just because I hear it and thank you does not mean I believe it myself. I WANT to believe it myself. I just never have. Maybe one day I will have the confidence I need to get there, but so far in 18+ years of my life I haven't found it. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you can't let go of the past.

*sigh* another blog gone south...

I hope this shit gets better. Christ.

parting is such sweet sorrow.

well, that was easier than i thought...

*lie*

i'm fine. haha.

*lie*

i won't think of you ever again.

*BIG lie*

well, you know, this new year is starting off just how i like it.

every puzzle piece is carefully kiltered to a spot off track, every string delicately tied into numerous knots, every squeeze to my heart tenderly smashing it to a million pieces.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! :]

it's been fun.

all things come to an end, right?

so long, winter break.

you were much needed...

school will now kill me all over again.

just what i need.

dear christ.

...

I just want to be happy for once.

happy FOR REAL REASONS.

happy because something is happening HERE. in REAL LIFE. that makes me okay with how life is going.

is that so god damn much to ask for?

i guess so, because i can't do it.

i'm tired of feeling like this.

i'm tired of having to fake it around people because they are sick of me being so down.

i'm tired of being myself, essentially.

but really, i'm not myself. not at all.

whatever... if you are sick of the way i am, gtfo. i'm tired of feeling worse because you guys are sick of me.

I CANNOT HELP IT.

oh, and i know the people that read this always tell me to shut the fuck up. it's fine. don't read my blogs then. i'll act the same as i have been around you. just because i am tired of faking it doesn't mean i won't. i still want my friends...

god, fuck.