i need a change.

this is an old picture, but i LOVE the lighting and everything about it.

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Today (well, this morning) has given me insight on my life. It's funny. I always seem to think about things like this in the wee hours of the morning, and perhaps this is why I never sleep. I feel as though I am at my full intellectual potential at 3/4 in the morning, so be it. Anyway, I've noticed that I am NOT happy with a lot of things in my life right now, and I need a change.

Sure, I was sad that college is coming up and all of my friends will be leaving and I will be alone, but really, I've always been alone. It will be no different. Besides, they have their lives to live and I have mine, so more power to them. I wish them all the luck in the world, and to those who are freaking out over it... don't. You know you will be great at everything that you do, and the success from your achievements will be plentiful.

I can't help but see that there are a few people in my life that I really don't like the way that they act or handle themselves. It bothers me to be associated with them at times, and I wish I wasn't just placed into the same category as them solely because I am their friend. Again, they have their life, and I have mine. Of course, I know that society doesn't work that way, so I may just have to make some changes. If they aren't making me comfortable and happy, why talk to them... right? Guilty by association holds a lot here. We'll see how this works... It will be a lot easier once people start moving away from me.

I'm still trying to find real happiness these days. It's not that I am not happy, but it's more of a... I guess you could say "self-help" issue. Sure, I have people telling me how great I am, how pretty I am, how talented I am... all the time. Just because I hear it and thank you does not mean I believe it myself. I WANT to believe it myself. I just never have. Maybe one day I will have the confidence I need to get there, but so far in 18+ years of my life I haven't found it. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you can't let go of the past.

*sigh* another blog gone south...

I hope this shit gets better. Christ.