or am i the reason you cry?(always, always, always....)
I can always have faith in lyrics to express me better than my own words.
I used to be really good at updating this thing... and I did it every day last summer. Maybe I can keep up with it again. I'd really like to.
I don't even know where to begin, how to begin...
(WARNING: EMO OUTBURST BLOG = NOW.)
*deep breath... sigh... head nod*
I'm officially not welcome in my home now. I was told to leave after graduation, and the date has been lifted to about two days ago. I am here at this house this one night because my dad is asleep and I wasn't willing to wake him at 11:30 at night after I got off work. Family problems keep getting worse, and nothing is worse feeling than this situation. I can handle when random people... even FRIENDS stab me in the back and obliterate all self-esteem and confidence and worth I have... but not family. NEVER family. I made it very clear that they are no longer family to me. They ruined that and it will never come back. They didn't seem phased. I'm not surprised.
Did I mention I may not graduate? Well, that ties into the whole family issue... so we'll go there next. Considering that I was at a constant state of depression because I was constantly being left feeling like a child that has done no right, I gave up in school. I now am biting my nails and have random panic attacks because I must pass all of my classes to graduate and it is VERY close. My lack of handling a petty situation has potentially risked my education... and for that, I refuse to forgive. If I do manage to make it Sunday and get that diploma, SHE will NOT be welcome. She is the reason I would not have (or won't.......) made/make it... and with all that has happened recently, I want a positive and SUPPORTING environment with me on that day... for ONCE. Everyone I care about in one place to support me and my struggles and my success.
Someone told me recently that I should become an actress. I can flip that switch, you know? The one where you see me and I am obnoxious and smiling and being silly ole Stef, dancing and rapping and being loud, but get me alone and I shut down completely. A double-edged sword, that switch is... and it's getting harder to keep it on to happy. Sure, things in life make me happy... friends, photography... well, actually... that's it. That's pathetic... a realization I just now got. One cannot survive on happiness solely from that... my own family doesn't even bring me joy anymore?
My heart aches. It feels like it's not there... and it just... the void hurts. Part of it has been stolen and smashed into a million pieces and thrown far enough away that the cracks can't be mended, the wounds won't heal... and that is also where I refuse to forgive. Another part is hundreds of miles away... and it is perfectly intact and beating and alive... and that is almost the worse of the two pains. I am absolutely HORRIFIED of being hurt by someone I love again... because it is all I have ever experienced. I can't seem to put that into words without it sounding like I have no trust... but it's really that I HAVE the trust and I am scared of that very thing. What can I do if I never will see that part of my heart again? What will I do if history repeats itself? I believe so badly that I need not worry this time... and my naive tendencies make me wonder if I am wrong.
I am losing all of my hair. It no longer curls, it is no longer thick, and it is dying. I was told stress makes this happen... Go figure.
I just want to stop crying. I want to feel like I don't need to second guess myself and second guess everyone I know to see if they are backstabbing me. I want to stop having this anxiety and paranoia... and I just want to be happy.
Why can't I just be happy?
YOU make me happy... but why do I feel like it is fading away?
Why do I feel like I am fading away?
(END EMO.)
