dear christ.

...

I just want to be happy for once.

happy FOR REAL REASONS.

happy because something is happening HERE. in REAL LIFE. that makes me okay with how life is going.

is that so god damn much to ask for?

i guess so, because i can't do it.

i'm tired of feeling like this.

i'm tired of having to fake it around people because they are sick of me being so down.

i'm tired of being myself, essentially.

but really, i'm not myself. not at all.

whatever... if you are sick of the way i am, gtfo. i'm tired of feeling worse because you guys are sick of me.

I CANNOT HELP IT.

oh, and i know the people that read this always tell me to shut the fuck up. it's fine. don't read my blogs then. i'll act the same as i have been around you. just because i am tired of faking it doesn't mean i won't. i still want my friends...

god, fuck.